| | Today was a slow day. It started off frustrating, to say the least, but ended up okay. Just okay. I have a headache at the moment that I think a little sleep can fix. However, I can't sleep just yet.
Every once in a while, I like to look back on my old Xanga posts, which is why I haven't deleted them like other fellow Xanga-ians, and read them. And in the last couple years, I find myself doing it more and more often. First, it was like, "Let me go back and see how much I've changed." Then it became "What did I even write that was worth... writing?" But nonetheless, I always found an urge to go back and read. And like I said, it's become more frequent. The first I did it, I waited about a good 2-3 years before reflecting back. However, I remember going back every year or so and finding myself in the same spot I am now; looking back at those old posts and going "Man did I sound ignorant." The things I wrote lacked meaning, yet they seemed so important to me at that age. And with 6 years between the present me and the old me, I can definitely see the growth, if it weren't evident enough.
But as I was looking through them, I asked myself, "Why do I even bother looking at these?" or more importantly, "Why have I been looking at them more frequently?" And the answer I came up with was one that I've been saying for quite a while; I'm looking for myself. I am definitely in the hippie-free spirit-trying to find my soul mode. Why? I don't know. But I mentioned in my UCD blog that I'd prefer UCLA because it'd test my morals and values and show me who I truly was. I guess I'm just impatient so I have to look in other places and use other resources. And it's sad when I think back about it... I mean, I feel much more 'educated' in a sense, but I also feel as if I've lost a piece of me; the part of me that had no real worries, no real responsibilities, a part of me that was still pure and innocent, free from heartbreak and the pain that came with it. Like the saying goes, ignorance is bliss... and it could not be more fitting.
However, I feel like I need to continue reading. I started about thirty minutes ago but stopped so I could write down these thoughts before they left my mind. To be honest, I'm a little afraid of what the posts may contain. I remember looking back a previous time and breaking down at some of the things I had written. I guess it's because each time I reread them, I relive them as well. And especially with each post, I remember a little more about my past; things I've locked away and things I've shunned from existence. It's scary, but the past has made who I am and if I fear it, hate it, or regret it, it's like saying I fear, hate, and regret who I am or what made me who I am. Do I hate myself? That's a terrible question to ask, but I believe there once was a time in my life where I did. But now? Now I am content. I'm on my way to college for Christ's sake. I have to worry about financial aid and getting a job and getting a degree. My life is heading towards something and somewhere. I have direction or at least more than I had when I was 13. I've grown and that's more than I say about many people my age. I don't want to boast, but I feel as if I have a lot to be proud of and there's many people out there that deserve the same feeling. You know who you are.
Sorry for all the sentimentality, but it's just one of those days to finish off one of those weeks. Off to read more of my grammar-free blogs. I'll post more when I've read through all 6 years. |
| | Posted 4/24/2009 11:04 PM - 9 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
- recommend
  - recs0
- share
- email
 - sent0
|
