August 13, 2009

Today. I don't know. I don't know where to start. Lately, I've been thinking more and more about you. It's probably because I don't have the comfort of school to distract me... so the wounds that I've tossed in the corner for so long are finally begging for attention. They're my demons and they're calling for me after being neglected for so long. I've never truly dealt with them. But why now? Is it because she broke your heart the way you broke mine? I thought I was over this... but I don't know.

I hate not knowing and I hate the feeling of being lost... yet it seems that you always have that hold on me. All those dates, I went back and read those entries. How can you inspire such poetic words from me? I read them and I couldn't believe they came from me. They were so powerful, I could hear my voice still breaking and the tears still falling each time I wrote those words. And still, you're doing this after we haven't talked in months.

You tried to contact me in around March. Thank goodness I was strong enough to read through that text. But I wasn't strong enough to text you back until a month later... And we exchanged a thank you and a goodbye and that was it. I remembered it... I remembered it all. Why? It's haunting me knowing that you still have this hold on me and as I'm writing these words, my heart feels as if it's caught in my throat, stuck and afraid to beat because it might beat too fast, hurting... yearning. I need to keep my mind off of these things, but relationships are thrown at me left and right. Everyone is falling yet I'm still stuck. I'm so afraid to move on... STILL.

How can I still feel like I have tears? Why do I still have tears? The silence between us is killing me. I wish you'd try to talk to me because my pride is too high to talk to you... I'm sorry for being selfish and petty, but I cannot crack first. You moved on first, it's only right that you give me this. At least this much.

I'm truly at a loss for words at this moment. I had so much to say or at least I thought I did. But now? It's all gone. Reading those entries... especially the private ones. They kill me each time. Slowly stab at my heart over and over, deepening the wounds that cannot and will not heal. And today, at this very moment, I feel like crying. For you, for me, for us. For everything.

I find myself singing "What If" and slowly thinking of you. I find myself singing "Almost" and I think of you... I find myself just singing... all these songs... and I think of you.

I am still bitter. A part of me feels such resent towards east coast guys... or guys in general, yet I fall for the sweet talk like you used to. I fall for the guys that are just like you and I hate that.

But I don't know what else to say... except...

Do you still think of me?

My lip is pierced and my tattoo is tomorrow. I'm really really nervous... mostly because I haven't seen the design! What if he didn't get what was in my head? What if it's not what I expected? I'm picky and particular, especially about something that will be with me for the rest of my life... I guess I will have to pray and ask him to redraw if it's not what I'm looking for. The pain is a whatever for me at the moment.. I really couldn't sleep because I'm scared of the design haha. Strange fellow, I am.

Restaurant City and Farmville are addicting. That's all I use Facebook for anyways... apps! =D They're awesome and keep me fat and happy for this summer.

Orientation is next week. It better be fun =( I wanna meet new people and I hope I get to dorm with someone out of Sac/Norcal. That.... would be AWESOME. Can't wait to sign up for classes =)

But that is all for now... Winna's dog is VICIOUS. But my dog is totally G. LOL. more on that later. I can't type. I need to pass out!!!

Recently, I've corrected my sleeping schedule just to mess it up towards the end again. I can never go a straight week of sleeping before midnight and waking up at like 8. I should be waking up at like 6 to walk the dog and stuff, but that requires me to sleep even earlier. It's possible and reasonable, but just not me. What do I do late at night anyways? Youtube haha. Lame, but I need to get it out of my system.

Speaking of getting out of my system, my lip piercing is coming on Monday. Yep, June 29th and that's also when I'm confirming my tattoo. It's going to cost me around 200 dollars, but I think it'll be worth it. It's a pretty good size and probably has some color, so when you think about it... the whole tattoo, labor of the artwork, and getting a cool ass tattoo artist... it really makes up for that 200 haha. Gah, that reminds me. I need to get my UCD shit finished before the end of this month! That's just my own personal deadline. Orientation's costing me a lot too.

Well, my birthday passed a few weeks ago and boy did I have a blast. My brother took me to the bay and I went SHOPPING. And, he gets me an Ipod Touch. Crazy... Then we went to splurge some more with a 500 dollar dinner. Blah. I should have just brought one person, but all good. We all had a pretty good time.

Transformers at the Imax tomorrow! I'm excited. I heard it was FANTASTIC. I can't say the same for Year One, though. It wasn't that worth it. I should have checked reviews for it first. Ah, oh well.

Michelle needs to help me with my tattoo already haha. Just a little more pressure on her before she goes crazy in LA haha. That's your vaca time, not now! =P

Makhara's puppy is so active and hyper! Especially at night! She's all biting and growling like crazy haha. She's soo cute though =( Floremar and I found a way to shut her up though. Put the box over her haha. So mean, but it works and she learns. Better than Khara smacking her =O

I need to stop shopping! I stopped with the whole makeup craze for a while even though I have a feeling it'll come back... now it IS back to clothes haha. No money for that shiet and I need to save up for my tattoo anyways. 

That is all. Good day!

At this point in time, I have never felt so alone and different from a crowd of familiars.  I've graduated and now I'm trying to find myself and it's hard to do so underneath everything. I need time to just breathe and I can't do that this summer with all these people around. I wish I could go to a temple right now and just pray everyday because maybe, I'll find something that can help me sleep at night. Some peace. I feel a judging eye at every corner with those who I thought were close.

I've found that I have lost anyone I can closely talk to and all I can do is keep it closed in like I used to until I feel nothing and everything at the same time.

With that being said, I shall update, I guess.

So my life has been hectic... money wise. I just want to cry everytime I think about it. My dad was in a car accident. The words still seem surreal to me and I have still not dealt with it. I just have this rage toward the idiot who rammed into his fucking car. I'd show you the car, but instead, I'll help you picture it.  Imagine a heap of metal. That's basically it. So yeah, I'm just angry at all idiots atm.

And great, I have no health insurance. Wonderful. And I just paid $500 on reserving my dorm alone. They're asking for $265 more for ORIENTATION. And all these other people don't have to pay full price, yet I'm here with parents who barely even work now and asking them to somehow find money out of their ass. Great. It hurts almost as much as when I asked my parents how much money they had for me for college and my mom goes "None". If you keep fucking telling me to go to college, how the hell did you afford to pay for it? Idiots.

And I'm just done with this. I'll get as fucking bitchy and mad all I fucking want. Don't tell me otherwise. Just go fuck it.

I don't know anymore... I understand it'll get better, but I'm just wondering why now? But then again, it's never been my day, month, year, life. I'm the antoganist in whole scheme of things and that's how it's always gotta be to have a good story for the protragonists huh? Something to go against and defeat. Well, congrats on doing so.

I've realized I'm stupid and just a terrible person. Well not just now realized, but I've been.

And I hate how you've come back and changed. You don't think you have and you probably haven't. Maybe it's me. But whatever it is, I'm done with childish games yet you're still playing them. "take a joke" you'll say or "i'm just kidding" you'll claim. Well, I'm done with childish games. I've been trying to be grown in my mind and that's where I am. So stop trying to be conceited and claim bullshiet. That's for little children who try to claim eveything that they're not and that's what you're doing. I don't know how to feel at this moment. Just an all-time low.

And as for you, I don't know why I even bother anymore. I really don't. I'm done, I've been done. You're not upfront with me and you act like I know that those actions affect you in such a way. You suppress it and confront us months later when those matters don't matter to us but to you, you feel as if they are the world. If they are the world, don't bring us down with you and deal with it on contact.

Done.