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| Ah Xanga... it's like an old friend that I haven't talked to in a while, but once we start this relationship again, it's like we never stopped! I don't know, just wanted to say something to that effect. I should be sleeping, but my sleeping schedule is off again and I'm trying to stay awake.
Recently, I've corrected my sleeping schedule just to mess it up towards the end again. I can never go a straight week of sleeping before midnight and waking up at like 8. I should be waking up at like 6 to walk the dog and stuff, but that requires me to sleep even earlier. It's possible and reasonable, but just not me. What do I do late at night anyways? Youtube haha. Lame, but I need to get it out of my system.
Speaking of getting out of my system, my lip piercing is coming on Monday. Yep, June 29th and that's also when I'm confirming my tattoo. It's going to cost me around 200 dollars, but I think it'll be worth it. It's a pretty good size and probably has some color, so when you think about it... the whole tattoo, labor of the artwork, and getting a cool ass tattoo artist... it really makes up for that 200 haha. Gah, that reminds me. I need to get my UCD shit finished before the end of this month! That's just my own personal deadline. Orientation's costing me a lot too.
Well, my birthday passed a few weeks ago and boy did I have a blast. My brother took me to the bay and I went SHOPPING. And, he gets me an Ipod Touch. Crazy... Then we went to splurge some more with a 500 dollar dinner. Blah. I should have just brought one person, but all good. We all had a pretty good time.
Transformers at the Imax tomorrow! I'm excited. I heard it was FANTASTIC. I can't say the same for Year One, though. It wasn't that worth it. I should have checked reviews for it first. Ah, oh well.
Michelle needs to help me with my tattoo already haha. Just a little more pressure on her before she goes crazy in LA haha. That's your vaca time, not now! =P
Makhara's puppy is so active and hyper! Especially at night! She's all biting and growling like crazy haha. She's soo cute though =( Floremar and I found a way to shut her up though. Put the box over her haha. So mean, but it works and she learns. Better than Khara smacking her =O
I need to stop shopping! I stopped with the whole makeup craze for a while even though I have a feeling it'll come back... now it IS back to clothes haha. No money for that shiet and I need to save up for my tattoo anyways.
That is all. Good day! | | |
| An update... I guess. A month later, lol.
At this point in time, I have never felt so alone and different from a crowd of familiars. I've graduated and now I'm trying to find myself and it's hard to do so underneath everything. I need time to just breathe and I can't do that this summer with all these people around. I wish I could go to a temple right now and just pray everyday because maybe, I'll find something that can help me sleep at night. Some peace. I feel a judging eye at every corner with those who I thought were close.
I've found that I have lost anyone I can closely talk to and all I can do is keep it closed in like I used to until I feel nothing and everything at the same time.
With that being said, I shall update, I guess.
So my life has been hectic... money wise. I just want to cry everytime I think about it. My dad was in a car accident. The words still seem surreal to me and I have still not dealt with it. I just have this rage toward the idiot who rammed into his fucking car. I'd show you the car, but instead, I'll help you picture it. Imagine a heap of metal. That's basically it. So yeah, I'm just angry at all idiots atm.
And great, I have no health insurance. Wonderful. And I just paid $500 on reserving my dorm alone. They're asking for $265 more for ORIENTATION. And all these other people don't have to pay full price, yet I'm here with parents who barely even work now and asking them to somehow find money out of their ass. Great. It hurts almost as much as when I asked my parents how much money they had for me for college and my mom goes "None". If you keep fucking telling me to go to college, how the hell did you afford to pay for it? Idiots.
And I'm just done with this. I'll get as fucking bitchy and mad all I fucking want. Don't tell me otherwise. Just go fuck it.
I don't know anymore... I understand it'll get better, but I'm just wondering why now? But then again, it's never been my day, month, year, life. I'm the antoganist in whole scheme of things and that's how it's always gotta be to have a good story for the protragonists huh? Something to go against and defeat. Well, congrats on doing so.
I've realized I'm stupid and just a terrible person. Well not just now realized, but I've been.
And I hate how you've come back and changed. You don't think you have and you probably haven't. Maybe it's me. But whatever it is, I'm done with childish games yet you're still playing them. "take a joke" you'll say or "i'm just kidding" you'll claim. Well, I'm done with childish games. I've been trying to be grown in my mind and that's where I am. So stop trying to be conceited and claim bullshiet. That's for little children who try to claim eveything that they're not and that's what you're doing. I don't know how to feel at this moment. Just an all-time low.
And as for you, I don't know why I even bother anymore. I really don't. I'm done, I've been done. You're not upfront with me and you act like I know that those actions affect you in such a way. You suppress it and confront us months later when those matters don't matter to us but to you, you feel as if they are the world. If they are the world, don't bring us down with you and deal with it on contact.
Done. | | |
| Has it really been that long since I've blogged? It seems that nowadays, I feel less of an urge to go online and tell everyone about everything. Less Myspace, less Xanga. That, and my internet has been acting up lately. Nothing a quick restart can't fix, right? Which also goes onto my next point. I need a 'restart'.
School is already done for me in my mind. I graduated when '08 graduated. And now, it's just a monotonous routine. AP testing was this week, however, so I had to step up my game a bit. My schedule consisted of waking up early, eating a light breakfast, testing for 3-5 hours, going to class to brief up for my other AP tests AFTER the 3-5 grueling hours, CRC class, home, and sleep. I attempted to study for my AP Spanish test, the only test I panicked slightly with, but I realized that if I didn't know it now, I wouldn't know it in the next 12 hours so I just decided to get a good night's sleep instead... which I didn't. I would pass out every time I got home at around 8-10. And yes, I said 8 because it happened on Monday night. I slept for so long, but I didn't fall asleep on the test. I was just stuffy, but it was a much better feeling than being tired. So far, I feel fairly confident... but the scores don't affect me much, except maybe English, so I'm not too worried. I think I would actually like to take English at college... we'll see.
Tomorrow, or rather, Today, I have a show at CRC and I'm feeling the pressure. I really thought I wasn't going to make it through this week, but I'm surprised at myself. 4 AP tests in a row, a dance show on Friday, and then UC testing on Saturday... which leaves Sunday for me to study for Physics--My last AP test. However, I still need to complete Health and I just want to cry my eyes out thinking about it. Sighs.
I got my cap and gown yesterday. That's all lol.
I don't know what else to say. My life has been very uneventful lately because 1. I hate surprises, and 2. AP tests were a main focus.
So with that being said, I shall update you guys... when I feel that my life events are worth blogging haha. | | |
| Today was a slow day. It started off frustrating, to say the least, but ended up okay. Just okay. I have a headache at the moment that I think a little sleep can fix. However, I can't sleep just yet.
Every once in a while, I like to look back on my old Xanga posts, which is why I haven't deleted them like other fellow Xanga-ians, and read them. And in the last couple years, I find myself doing it more and more often. First, it was like, "Let me go back and see how much I've changed." Then it became "What did I even write that was worth... writing?" But nonetheless, I always found an urge to go back and read. And like I said, it's become more frequent. The first I did it, I waited about a good 2-3 years before reflecting back. However, I remember going back every year or so and finding myself in the same spot I am now; looking back at those old posts and going "Man did I sound ignorant." The things I wrote lacked meaning, yet they seemed so important to me at that age. And with 6 years between the present me and the old me, I can definitely see the growth, if it weren't evident enough.
But as I was looking through them, I asked myself, "Why do I even bother looking at these?" or more importantly, "Why have I been looking at them more frequently?" And the answer I came up with was one that I've been saying for quite a while; I'm looking for myself. I am definitely in the hippie-free spirit-trying to find my soul mode. Why? I don't know. But I mentioned in my UCD blog that I'd prefer UCLA because it'd test my morals and values and show me who I truly was. I guess I'm just impatient so I have to look in other places and use other resources. And it's sad when I think back about it... I mean, I feel much more 'educated' in a sense, but I also feel as if I've lost a piece of me; the part of me that had no real worries, no real responsibilities, a part of me that was still pure and innocent, free from heartbreak and the pain that came with it. Like the saying goes, ignorance is bliss... and it could not be more fitting.
However, I feel like I need to continue reading. I started about thirty minutes ago but stopped so I could write down these thoughts before they left my mind. To be honest, I'm a little afraid of what the posts may contain. I remember looking back a previous time and breaking down at some of the things I had written. I guess it's because each time I reread them, I relive them as well. And especially with each post, I remember a little more about my past; things I've locked away and things I've shunned from existence. It's scary, but the past has made who I am and if I fear it, hate it, or regret it, it's like saying I fear, hate, and regret who I am or what made me who I am. Do I hate myself? That's a terrible question to ask, but I believe there once was a time in my life where I did. But now? Now I am content. I'm on my way to college for Christ's sake. I have to worry about financial aid and getting a job and getting a degree. My life is heading towards something and somewhere. I have direction or at least more than I had when I was 13. I've grown and that's more than I say about many people my age. I don't want to boast, but I feel as if I have a lot to be proud of and there's many people out there that deserve the same feeling. You know who you are.
Sorry for all the sentimentality, but it's just one of those days to finish off one of those weeks. Off to read more of my grammar-free blogs. I'll post more when I've read through all 6 years. | | |
| Sigh it's about 1:30 am and I'm blogging. Not the best time to do this, but I can't sleep. I'm supposed to wake up early to jog, especially since there's no school so I'm trying to take advantage of this opportunity, but I don't know. All of a sudden, everyone seems to want to jog? Strange phenomenon... but I'd rather do it myself, I guess. What's been going on since last Thursday, you ask? Let me tell you!
Well, I didn't go to school... it's been a while, really. I'll get things done, I usually do, but it scares me of how everything has taken a toll on me. I've let myself go and I can't seem to hold it together for the last... 25? days of school left. It's as if all the all-nighters have caught up with me and demanding that I give them the sleep they deserve.
This weekend was okay. Nothing much to say about it except I got fatter and slept a lot. But I'm looking forward to this week especially since I'm ready to take charge. There's no school to stress me out, for at least this week and I'm going to study my ass off for AP tests and get back into shape before summer.
Oh, but I did visit Davis on Saturday and damn was it hot! I've decided that I want to live with Liew, though. It's going to be fun! Living in dorms just seems to complete the experience for me and I know once I'm there, I'll be focusing on studying and all that good stuff. And I definitely should not bring my laptop with me haha. That is, if I could. But I know I'll need it when I'm there.
Just a short little blub. I didn't have much to say really. Ah, wait... my mind is remembering things.
I don't think anyone knows but Abraham and a few random people, but I'm moving. Not anywhere too far, but just further south into Elk Grove. It wasn't really a reality for me until we went to actually look for houses and I saw a lot that I liked. Too bad I'm going to be college by then. I told them I wanted to decorate the house because I know they were gonna make it cluttered and ugly... but there's this one house that I just absolutely LOVE. It was just wonderful and I liked the layout. Best part was that the backyard was large enough for gardening, a little patio area, and a place for the dog to run around. Heck, we might as well throw in a pool too! But it's on a slope? Which is weird... but it's still a great house. It's got this cool structure to it that I can't really explain, but basically, if you look at the door from upstairs (yes, we're getting a two story!) it looks as if there's a bell tower outside or something. Yeah, not a great description, but I like the feel of it. My mom isn't too fond of it, but it's on her list. She likes the last house we visited which is like even deeper into Elk Grove where it's just .... land on the opposite side. Either way, it doesn't really affect me since I'm gone anyways, so I guess my parentals should like it.
That's about it. My online shopping crap came so I can stop ... online shopping now haha. I need to focus on school sighs. I think the only thing I'm really jealous of is the fact that everyone is so stoked about moving away for college yet I feel as if I'm just moving a few blocks away... An understatement, yes, but UCD is basically another Sac State. But like I said before, I made my peace with it. =)
K I need to stop. Off to dreamland for me until I have to wake up in this HEAT and go jogging haha. Night all! | | |
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